Ugliness is inevitable, but don’t miss the good stuff

Mary Pipher, the gifted writer and psychologist who gave us “Reviving Ophelia” among other insightful titles, in 2023 wrote a most helpful essay for The New York Times in which she said, “I am in the last decades of life, and sometimes I feel that my country and our species are also nearing the end times.”

In “Finding Light In Winter,” Pipher, now 77, referred to dysfunctional government, fentanyl deaths, mass shootings, desperate refugees, wars in Ukraine, Israel and Gaza, climactic weather events brought on by climate change and so on – a long list of depressing realities. “If we are empathetic and awake, we share the pain of all the world’s tragedies in our bodies and in our souls,” she wrote.

The Times thought highly enough of her piece to run it again this year, at least online. And it was wise to do so. Of course, this time we can add the recent presidential election to the litany of woes people of intelligence and sensitivity can count.

So, how is this helpful? Well, Pipher – whose home in Lincoln, Nebraska, was one I often passed on walks around a nearby reservoir – offers some useful strategies for dealing with it all. These are techniques that can help us get through the dark and, perhaps, darkening times ahead.

We must look for the light, she wrote. Up early, she watches the moon rise, for instance. She sees the snow sparkling “like a blanket of diamonds.” She watches birds.

And then there are the people in our lives. “Nothing feels more like sunlight than walking into a room full of people who are happy to see me,” Pipher wrote. “We also have the light of young children.”

There are also works of art and the “rituals of spiritual life.” The latter may include sun salutations, morning prayers, meditation and reading. And finally, there are memories – “Deep inside us are the memories of all the people we’ve ever loved.”

Is this a bit Pollyannaish? A bit of putting lipstick on a pig?

Perhaps, but a few thoughts occur to me that suggest that Pipher is onto something. And maybe these are things that can buoy us in the coming year, get us through the gathering darkness. They may let us focus on the physical fact that the literal darkness around us is actually receding now, in this post-solstice time.

For some of us, there are grandchildren to pay attention to. For them, the world is often a wonderful, even magical place. Flowers, trees, Bluey, the challenges of online Scrabble, mastering skiing at age 7 or younger (or, in the case of one 6-year-old lately feeling a bit intimidated, telling us that she has “retired from skiing”) – such things awaken their sense of delight and ours.

Just seeing the world through their eyes can be elevating.

There are spouses to appreciate. Even after decades, new things arise. A new excitement over cooking delectable foods, the discovery of new sisterhood in Mahjong and Canasta players, the challenge and joy of involvement in a religious/social group. All these can be fun to watch (and savor).

For many of us, there are the simple joys of where we live. Some of us are lucky enough to live high in the mountains, where we are blessed with lots of snow in winter and cool, green and alive summers. Evergreen trees grace our view each morning.

And there is extended family. Siblings – some of whom we may disagree with on such matters as politics, and others who are of like minds. All are valuable. Nieces, nephews and their young ones, all of whom descend from long-gone ancestors whom we older folks knew well. Of course, as Pipher suggests, the bolstering memories we have of those ancestors can come to us in times of strain, since some had so much to overcome.

Abraham Lincoln, generally thought to be a sufferer of depression, supposedly said, “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” There may be truth in that. Certainly, we choose what to look at in our lives and that focus shapes our feelings, for good or ill.

We cannot be ignorant of the many ugly realities in the world, of course. To some degree, we must keep ourselves aware of them, at least the things we can influence to greater or lesser degrees. There is always voting, for instance, and for some of us, writing about various outrages or absurdities. The latter may be more purgative than effective in any way, but that’s not bad.

As for the things we can’t control or even influence, well, it’s pointless to drey a kop over them, as the Yiddish phrase goes. Instead, we can focus on things where we can make even a small difference. For instance, rather than fretting about childhood hunger, one can in volunteer to help in organizations that feed youngsters.

Indeed, for many of us there can be enormous satisfaction in helping people. Just the other day, a fellow volunteer and I helped a good number of folks off spots on ski runs that daunted them. That was a small thing in the larger scheme, for sure, but it helped those folks (and us).

In the coming year, there will be plenty of ugly stuff, of course. As Pipher suggests, being sure to bring the better stuff to mind is a lot healthier for us and the people we are lucky enough to have in our lives.